hearing silence

turn off the television, close the computer, silence my phone and leave it elsewhere -- light a candle and watch the flame and shadows dance -- turn my attention inwards -- this is uncomfortable and this is comforting -- I hear my neighborhood humming, I hear my wind chime sing, I hear my stomach digesting and my breath flow -- this is the loudness of silence - slowly, slowly, coming back to myself

-- --

A friend gave me an Ayurvedic card deck that I really enjoy, and recently I pulled the silence card. After some reflection, I realized I often avoid silence and instead listen to podcasts or turn on a sound machine. I grew up in a city and noise often makes me feel more comfortable and safe. But lately I’ve been playing with the idea of silence… turns out there’s so much to notice. Aside from listening to the world around me, I notice that my inner dialogue is very loud when I’m quiet. Maybe that’s why I avoid it sometimes - silence forces me to be with myself.

When I meet myself in these moments, it’s a practice in mindfulness and compassion… I can notice my thoughts and not become them, not be overwhelmed by them. And then the sounds and sensations of my environment (the birds out my window or the steam from my coffee) ground me and jolt me back into the present moment. Playing with silence is a dance, a practice, a trial and error that brings me closer to myself.. this is uncomfortable and this is comforting.